Sophie Jordan

I have a daughter with emotional and mental additional needs.

I have a daughter who risks her life on a regularly basis and points anger and frustration at herself so much that she is bound to her bed and stuck in a chemical failure of depression and anxiety.

A daughter who can’t be left on her own when in those episodes but feels extremely wronged and attacked when as a mother I put her first and ensure she is safe under my watch.

A daughter who screams until she is close to vomiting that I have called her every name, told her every fowl word a mother should never utter. When not a single word apart from positive reinforcement has been given to her.

A daughter that asks for you to tell her the truth and show her some of the impacts to help her see rational thinking but when given to her is thrown into a rage of feeling embarrassed and targeted for manipulation and black mail.

A daughter who doesn’t see her worth or her place in this life. A daughter who will be surrounded by friends, a phone buzzing off the hook with “where are you?” “Are you ok?” Texts and messages but feel as though she is the unliked friend, the friend who doesn’t belong.

A daughter who longs for family events and parties and exciting activities, to have conversations, play, dance and laugh, who is then frozen in what ifs and don’t get to close to me anxiety when the times are presented. Who is overstimulated to the point that the evening is covered in tears and headaches and rushes of self loathing and despair.

A daughter that is told every morning, afternoon and night she is loved. Is praised every day for her achievements and pushed and motivated to get more and succeed more but feels as though she’d be better off with another family or just on her own.

A daughter who looks at her body with shame and disappointment and sees it as a resource to lay out pain and torture herself as an outlet.

I have a daughter that will care and deeply love, show empathy and compassion, support and share, guide and hold anyone she truly cares and loves. That will disregard that she too deserves just the same given back to her.

I have a daughter that screams for help and begs for pain and hurt to be taken from her but won’t allow a helping hand near her because she feels she is not worthy of the same compassion she would give to others.

I have a daughter that worries so much of others lives but removes the importance of her own and would rather not live hers.

Have you ever had something so beautiful and delicate that you’d love to hold but know the slightest touch may break it? So you love hard from a far and protect until you hurt. I have a daughter that makes me feel just that.

I have a daughter the most beautiful spectacular daughter. A daughter who makes me laugh, feel proud and like I’ve achieved great things in my life, who also makes me cry myself to sleep, lock myself away and beg the universe above me to make it easier.

I have a daughter who will always be mine, no matter the bad days, no matter the hard days. A daughter who was my first love. A daughter who gave me strength and determination I never thought I’d have. My daughter is unique, challenging and worth every ounce of my ability.